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8/9/04 5:03 PM
Copyright 2004 David C. Loebig

My 15 Minutes in 729 Words

George W. Bush and John F. Kerry, have you heard of them? They’re in the news a lot lately including reports about their fiber-rich Iowa corn diets. It’s important that Americans know which candidates stay regular. Well, I want my day covered, too, but that would be foolish. I’m not anybody the news should follow.

Do you have any interest in Marisleysis Gonzalez? Some time back the Associated Press ran a story about the opening of her Miami hair salon. She’s the cousin of Elian Gonzalez. Remember him? His mother drowned on a boat from Cuba...well, not on the boat. That would be a silly place to drown. She drowned in the water when the boat sank.

Elian survived, and his Florida relatives cared for him until the authorities reunited him with his father. The kicker is that the hair salon story ran TWO YEARS LATER.

That does it. If presidential fiber and Elian-related hair salons make national news, it’s only fair that any vapid schmo who wants one should get an overblown news story. Why not me and my day:

SEFFNER, Fla. – Despite family controversy and several challenges, Dave is feeling upbeat following a day doing some chores and enjoying a surprise nap that “came upon me quite suddenly,” he said at his home. The day saw other complications and a few simple lessons in life.

We joined Dave early in the morning to see how his day would go, and we can report first hand that he makes strange noises as he sleeps. He arose at 7 a.m., yawned, scratched, brushed and headed to the kitchen.

Later he said, “Well, I thought it was going to be a typical day. I woke up, made coffee and sat down to watch the news. Then I suddenly fell asleep. It was great.”

There was no immediate explanation for the early morning siesta. Loebig announced that he’ll launch an investigation and should have preliminary results within 6 weeks.

At a hastily called news conference he said, “I can assure everybody that this is not usual, and we’ll get to the bottom of it. I usually don’t nap until late afternoon, but that may change depending on the outcome of the investigation.”

After the disruption, Loebig quickly recovered with a few chores including closing the window and changing a light bulb.

Around midday, he initiated Operation Belly Fill, an intricately choreographed exercise in preparing lunch.

“This is a regularly scheduled event, and it should be no surprise to anyone,” he said. “This is just something people do. And why are you still here?”

He ate a peanut butter sandwich, potato chips and jellybeans. “I think they count as a vegetable,” he explained.

During Operation Belly Fill, Dave’s mother called and asked what he had for lunch. He told her he was eating a salad, chicken sandwich and yogurt.

Mothers Against Lousy Lunches (MALL) immediately issued a statement condemning his “disregard for nutrition and blatant dishonesty.”

Loebig press secretary Fanny Primpword said, “I wouldn’t call his statement a lie exactly. He was merely telling her what she wanted to hear, so he was really doing her a favor by giving her peace of mind. And he was afraid of being scolded.”

Primpword reported that despite the setback Operation Belly Fill was an overwhelming success.

At his afternoon conference attended by the kid next door and a stray dog, Loebig emphasized the importance of having a good lunch.

“Lunch is the most important meal of the day when you miss breakfast. It gets your midday off to a running start to make up for a lethargic morning,” he said.

In the late afternoon, Loebig sat down with the newspaper, looked at the comics, colored in the crossword puzzle and read a story about a new hair salon in Miami. He seemed disturbed, grunted something under his breath and took his nap. It’s when he does his best thinking, he said.

At the close of this day of what can be best described as just stuff, Loebig reflected and considered it an overall success.

He summarized it, “Hey, I got through it, and I’m stronger for it. Can you believe that I have to go through this every day? But I always learn something new. For instance, I found a topic for my next column, and tomorrow I’m not going to answer the phone.”

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Dave Loebig writes and banters out of the Tampa, Fla. area. You can banter with him at RandomDigressions.com.


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