It’s 2004 (if you haven’t noticed), so it’s time for smart people like pundits and sages to offer their discerning predictions for the New Year. Columnists can try too, so here’s my go at it. However, I don’t want to take responsibility for being wrong, so I offer you the chance to help. That way, you can share the blame.
Thus I introduce the first multiple-choice New Year predictions. Get your pencil and jump right in. Circle the items you think will occur in the coming year. There are no rules, so feel free to make two choices for each prediction. You can even wait until December. This assignment won’t be collected until next January.
In January, California citizens
A. enthusiastically support the austere emergency budget proposed by Governor Schwarzenegger.
B. roundly oppose the partisan, special interest budget proposed by the Governor.
C. recall Schwarznegger and elect Gary Coleman as governor.
At the Super Bowl in Houston, Texas on February 1,
A. (fill in your team)__________________ wins.
B. (fill in the team you hate)__________________ loses.
C. California voters recall Gary Coleman and elect porn star Mary Carey as Governor.
In March, Bush gets a boost for his aggressive foreign policies when
A. stockpiles of chemical weapons are found in Iraq.
B. the Coalition Provisional Authority takes over the leadership of Iraq.
C. Osama bin Laden is arrested in a late-night raid at a Poughkeepsie, New York Wal-Mart.
In April, The Israeli-Palestinian conflict continues when
A. Israel kills numerous Palestinians.
B. Palestinians kill numerous Israelis.
C. Both A and B.
D. Both A and B but the other way around.
On May 22, at 7 p.m. at the annual Random Acts of Entertainment, Senseless Acts of Silliness charity talent show
A. all of Tampa has loads of fun with music, comedy, stupid human tricks and more.
B. This is an actual event, so mark your calendars. Tickets are $25 each and go on sale April 9. It benefits the Brandon Outreach Clinic.
C. Really, this is a fun mix of real talent and gong show acts. It’s guaranteed to result in embarrassing stories about other people.
D. So mark your calendars for May 22 and watch The Brandon News for more information. It’s lots of fun.
In June, the Supreme courts rules that Congress’ 1954 addition of the words under God to the Pledge of Allegiance is
C. Are you kidding? Do you really think I could make a joke about this without overzealous, righteous types sending scolding letters ranting on and on about my blasphemy? No way. I’ll just let you pick what happens.
At the Democratic National Convention on July 29:
A. Howard Dean is nominated as the Democratic candidate.
B. (fill in your favorite candidate)_____________________ is nominated as the Democratic candidate.
C. some hapless sap whose name will be lost to history begins his failed bid for the presidency.
In August at the Summer Olympics
A. the United States runs away with the records taking home more gold metals than any other country.
B. the United States team exits in disgrace when it’s discovered that sponsor Altoids is actually a previously undetectable steroid.
C. Iraqi athletes win the hearts of viewers the world over by beating the Jamaican bobsled team.
In September, during the presidential debates
A. George Bush mispronounces the word Poughkeepsie.
B. Howard Dean makes points with the American people with his articulate opposition to Bush.
C. some hapless sap whose name will be lost to history continues his failed bid for the presidency.
In October the Iraq war ends:
A. following six months free of bombings, attacks and killings.
B. when the US pulls out under questionable circumstances.
C. by becoming the Middle East War.
On Election Day, November 2, in the presidential race
A. George W. Bush is re-elected president.
B. _________________(fill in your favorite Democrat) is elected president.
C. California voters recall Mary Carey and elect former governor Gray Davis back into office.
In December politics comes full circle when
A. it’s revealed that Rush Limbaugh is addicted to Altoids.
B. George Bush correctly pronounces Poughkeepsie.
C. a voter in Poughkeepsie, New York remembers the name of the hapless sap who ran the failed bid for the presidency.